Why Do Powerful Men Cheat When They Have Everything to Lose?

This follows November 11 reporting by Reuters, citing The New York Times, alleging a separate relationship with Kimberly Powell, Nvidia’s vice president of healthcare, who reported to him. That relationship remains a reported allegation; Huang had already acknowledged an affair in his message to employees.

The leadership change is confirmed. It does not, by itself, establish that company secrets were leaked or resolve the foreign-intelligence allegations. For this column, the distinction matters: we can discuss the consequences without treating every allegation as a finding.

The question underneath the headlines

Guys, how does a man who can anticipate enormous business risks still make a relationship decision that puts so much at risk?

That is the question I keep coming back to with Nvidia’s now-former CEO Jensen Huang.

Huang has acknowledged an affair. Nvidia announced an independent investigation following reporting that he may have been targeted by a foreign intelligence effort. The company said it had no reason to believe national security or company secrets had been compromised. Those allegations are still being investigated.

By November 10, the fallout also included a shareholder lawsuit alleging investors had been misled. A lawsuit contains allegations, not established findings, but it shows how quickly this has moved beyond someone’s private relationship.

I am not going to pretend I know what happened inside his marriage or what motivated him. I don’t.

But I do want to talk about the relationship question underneath the headlines. Why would a successful man risk a life he worked so hard to build?

Being admired can feel like being understood

Imagine spending years being responsible for everything. Decisions. Employees. Money. Problems that follow you home.

Then someone new comes along.

She is not just young and hot, she’s interested. She laughs. She asks questions. You feel exciting around her. There is no shared history of disappointing each other, no unresolved argument, no ordinary Tuesday where you are both exhausted.

You are getting a fresh introduction to yourself.

I have talked multiple times about the appeal of feeling impressive again in someone else’s eyes or appreciated for the little things especially as a man. Affairs can involve identity, longing and the desire to experience a different version of yourself. Neither idea tells us why Huang acted as he did. They give us better questions.

So here is my question for you, for the man reading this: do you know this woman well enough to call it a connection, or do you love how you feel when she looks at you?

Those feelings can be powerful. They still don’t tell you how you would handle conflict together, whether your values match or what remains when the novelty wears off.

Slow down long enough to find out what you are actually responding to.

A devoted public image does not answer the private questions

The internet loves a rule that makes people easy to decode. Jensen is pretty public about sharing how he met his wife and publicly talks about how much he loves his wife and his family.

It is easy to think “He talks about loving his wife so often? He must be hiding something.”

No. I am not teaching you that.

A man can celebrate his wife sincerely. We should want men to express affection, speak proudly about their relationships and enjoy being devoted.

But a beautiful speech does not cancel a dishonest decision.

The important questions are less glamorous. What happens when someone attractive gives him attention? Does he maintain the boundaries he agreed to? Does he tell the truth when the truth could cost him something?

That applies whether he has forty followers or millions of fans.

Devotion has to survive the moments when nobody is applauding it.

We have seen private decisions become leadership problems before

Remember the Coldplay concert video? Astronomer’s CEO Andy Byron and HR executive Kristin Cabot resigned after the clip circulated. The footage became a public spectacle, but it did not give strangers a complete account of either person’s private relationship.

Other corporate cases are better documented.

McDonald’s former CEO Steve Easterbrook faced consequences involving employee relationships and misleading disclosures. BP’s board concluded that former CEO Bernard Looney knowingly misled it about past relationships with colleagues. These cases differ, and they should not all be casually labeled marital cheating. What they do demonstrate is that relationship decisions and concealment can become matters of professional trust.

When other people depend on your judgment, the consequences can reach well beyond you.

And before we get lost in careers and corporate reputations, remember the partner. Her trust matters even if the stock price never moves.

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

Success does not remove your need for boundaries

You can be disciplined in one part of your life and careless in another.

Research on perceived power within romantic relationships has found an association with greater interest in alternative partners. That does not mean CEOs inevitably cheat, or that powerful men cannot be faithful. It does give us a reason to ask whether feeling desirable and powerful can influence what a man allows himself to pursue.

Here is where I want you to pay attention.

Are you letting a conversation go somewhere you would normally stop it?

Are you sharing relationship complaints with someone you are attracted to, while avoiding that conversation at home?

Are you telling yourself your partner would not understand before you have given her an honest account?

You do not have to wait for something physical to acknowledge that you are crossing a line. The Gottman Institute’s work on affairs includes emotional boundary crossings and the closeness that develops outside the relationship.

The moment you start protecting an interaction from your partner’s knowledge, it deserves your attention.

What to do before you make the situation worse

First, tell yourself the truth about what you are getting from it. Attention? Excitement? Sexual interest? Relief from feeling unappreciated? Be specific. You cannot make a clear decision while pretending you are just being friendly when you know there is more going on.

Second, stop feeding the situation while you figure yourself out. If you are attracted and starting to hide the contact, stop escalating the private conversations. Keep necessary work contact professional. Do not keep creating opportunities and then act surprised that the feelings are growing.

Third, have the conversation you have been avoiding. Try this: “I miss feeling close to you. I have been avoiding talking about it, and I do not want us to keep drifting. Can we make time to talk properly?” That starts a conversation. It does not make your partner responsible for your choices.

Fourth, accept that honesty may change your relationship. You might discover something you can work on together. You might need professional help. You might have to acknowledge that you do not want the same future. Those are difficult possibilities. A secret relationship does not resolve them.

You can want more without betraying what you already have

I am on your side, guys. That includes wanting you to make decisions you can stand behind.

Wanting to feel desired is not shameful. Neither is admitting that something in your relationship needs attention.

But wanting something and being entitled to pursue it secretly are very different things.

I believe in men being generous, loving deeply and making the women they choose feel cared for. That takes more than money. It takes honesty when you are tempted, clarity when you are unhappy and the willingness to deal with a problem before it becomes somebody else’s heartbreak.

You worked hard to build your life. Give your private decisions the same attention.

Want my eyes on your situation?

Reading this is one thing. Using it with the woman in front of you is another.

That is what my Dating Strategy Session is for. It is 90 minutes, just you and me, on the one thing that has been on your mind. Maybe she keeps pulling back, maybe your marriage has gone quiet, or maybe it is something in the bedroom you would never ask your friends about.

You will leave with a clear read on what is really going on, what to say and do next, and a written action plan you can come back to.

Book your $495 Dating Strategy Session

Or reply SESSION and tell me what is happening

Nita
Your Wingwoman

NITA CHAKRABARTY is a relationship coach for high performing men and the author of The King’s Code and The Next Chapter.

This column is commentary and education. It is not medical, mental health, legal or financial advice.

Read on The Journal

Originally published by Nita Chakrabarty at Magnetic Masculine Code. Republished with permission.